The House Showing (Scheduled For 11:00 AM)
8:27 Husband wakes to soothing strains of neighbor power-washing driveway, wonders if this will be The Day.
8:28 Phone rings. Mother-in-law inquires whether to bring Jell-O mold to go with burgers this evening.
8:33 While shaving, husband takes sudden dislike to stains in sink, which have been there for eighteen years; corrects them with Wite-Out.
8:39 Husband finds wife, whose makeup nook could use serious attention with skid-steer, has spent two hours sorting lipsticks by glossiness.
8:44 Mother-in-law calls to ask if Jell-O should be lime or raspberry.
8:47 Wife, who enjoys housework like tonsillectomy, attempts to wash dishes left by daughter, who prepared equivalent of Cracker Barrel breakfast buffet for midnight snack.
8:50 Daughter, still moribund from snack, extends thumb and forefinger to retrieve ringing cell phone from nightstand.
8:55 After finishing dishes, husband discovers contractor with penchant for leisure has left Home Depot’s- worth of tools and materials in utility room.
9:00 Mother-in-law calls to narrate account of giving birth to wife and sister-in-law.
9:03 Sister-in-law calls to see if mother-in-law has called.
9:09 Husband burns waffle, smelling-up house. Wife inquires if fire department is invited for breakfast. Husband opens kitchen window, turning downstairs frigid. Wife inquires if daughter will attend local community college due to outlandish heating bills. Husband inquires if neighboring attorney still handles domestic relations.
9:15 Dark-suited woman with young child arrives to discuss family’s spiritual welfare.
9:16 Woman leaves, praying.
9:25 Daughter, who has been glued to Family Guy DVD, is persuaded to remove underpants from overhead fan blade.
9:32 Mother-in-law calls to discuss rubber check fees.
9:37 Neighboring supermom appears with petition to have grade school Christmas concert presented in Latin.
9:42 Wife discovers daughter has divested closet of clothes that no longer strike her fancy, resulting in pile of bags in garage reminiscent of garbage strike.
9:43 Wife stuffs bags in car, leaving room for single pygmy anorexic.
9:49 Wife’s screech from downstairs bathroom indicates daughter has plugged toilet once again. Daughter, who has been doing nails, is persuaded to clear it, puts plunger in bathtub, where turd rolls out. Daughter’s shriek replicates wife’s.
9:58 Mother-in-law calls to relate incident of goose landing in back yard.
10:03 Daughter’s friend appears in front hallway after apparent trek through peat bog, smudging tile.
10:04 Persuaded to return later in day, friend bangs door while exiting. Screen falls out.
10:12 Mother-in-law calls to say she has no money for gas and needs to be picked up for dinner.
10:16 Daughter, who has been texting for half hour, yells at Mom to hurry up. Wife replies with string of oaths last heard from Woody Hayes when Ohio State lost to Clemson in 1978.
10:19 Husband moves litter box of incontinent sixteen-year-old cat to garage, wrenching back.
10:20 Mother-in-law calls to discuss impending flu shot.
10:24 Young cat escapes from upstairs bedroom, paraglides onto older cat at foot of stairs. Fracas results in shag rug of fur which wife is forced to vacuum.
10:29 Doorbell rings. Wife, in grimy sweats, holding Hoover wand, answers to learn from realtor wearing Marc Jacobs that showing is scheduled for 10:30 instead.
10:31 Family leaves, returning after hour-long sugar orgy at Dunkin’ Donuts. Visiting realtor sends e-mail saying clients thought kitchen wallpaper resembled psychopath’s doodles, suggests dropping price below going rate for wigwam.
11:40 Husband goes back to bed.
